i just think i've lost people.

and i found a new one.

someone i can spend time with.

someone i can give myself to.

someone i can love.

...MOOD:  __
...SENSE: radio__
...MIND: twisted life__

ever since i came back here, all that occupied my mind are freakin problems... every night i actually find myself crying over something even i do not know.

it occurred to me just now.

i've got noone to run to whenever i feel like crying. noone sees me cry except for some unexpected cases that i cannot resist anymore and i'd just break down in front of people. i find it hard to fall asleep because once i close my eyes, i resort to thinking of things that are happening to me right now.

i do not have anything to prove for myself and i feel really ashamed of it.

i got the editor-in-chief position. however, ever since i began working, i have not achieved anything yet. in fact, all i have are disastrous aftermaths.i am not a good editor. i disappointed people. cut my leg for that.

STUDIES. a big failure.period.

lovelife. none.

friends. i have some but i just do not know who they really are.

i've got noone to talk to that's why i keep a blog. a secret keeper. it's a place where i could breathe out everything.

i'm a big walking failure.

i am worthless.

noone wants me.

everyone leaves me.

eventually everyone else would too.

alone. forever i will be.

lahat ng mahal ko, iiwan din ako. walang tatagal. i'm complex. dare to try and understand me. nah. noone would last.

i guess i just need someone who's all mine. someone whom i could run to anytime, without complains, he/she will take me for who i am. someone who'll simplify me.

...MOOD: anxious __
...SENSE: smells like bread__
...MIND: i really wanna die__

it's 10 degrees out. it's 11 inside.   i just learned what awaits me. tons and tons of schoolwork. eventually, the 3rd quarter will end on tuesday next week. that means hell of a work to catch up with.

i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die.

...MOOD: deathly __
...SENSE: r0ses and cadillacs__
...MIND: i wanna die__

i am thinking of jumping off the bathr0om wind0w. it's the easiest way to die right n0w. we live at the fourth floor, and everything is covered with freaking grills. it's safe. the only open wind0w is the bathr0om wind0w where i could just freefaLl. i am desperately in need of serious help.

i've been thinking about my suicide note, on what to write.  came up with this one:

i was stupid to have done what i did. i did not think at all. i apologize. i've chosen eternal sleep because i was weak. i did not have enough faith. i know where i am heading, though. pray for me still, will you?

i have my reasons. they may be senseless. i don't care.

my academic stuff has never been that great. i am ashamed even to attain such shameful evaluations. i give up. i gave up. Ms. Toledo, you are such a bitch. i apologize for the lingo. i am frustrated. you did not give me a chance. i know i'd fail because of your subject, your stupid p.e. subject. why do you give your students such a fuckin hard time? you seem to have no heart. i guess you're insecure because you handle this stupid subject compared with math and physics, that students do not give that much attention on you. sorry, but that is how i think of you. i was frustrated. i did not know what to do with your subject. i did what i could, and you refused. am i blaming you? i do not know.

i gave up with my other subjects. i knew that once i get back, i'd have such a hard time catching up. i am not blaming anyone. it's just that i was weak. i had been weak and stupid. never attempt to do what i did.

i love my family. i may not be that showy, but deep in me, i love you. dad, i knew something about you. i know someone who's constantly texting you. shame on you if it's true.

i love my friends so much t0o. never feel sorry for me. i had been weak, and i need you to be strong for me. thanks for everything.

to the people i loved, you taught me to be strong but it had not been enough. i can tolerate physical pain but once i've been trampled emotionally, i easily give up.

never feel guilty for i've loved all of you with all of me. of all people, some of you should know better.

ella, you had been the most important person in my life. everyone knows that. thanks for making me happy. one day we'll meet again, and i cannot wait for it to come. i love you still. you made me believe that best friends exist.

jaq, dayne, ana, richart, cathy, abhe, carla, daphne, denise, thanks for accepting me. thanks for befriending me. you are the greatest people on earth.

Jc, thanks for being by my side when i needed someone. you will be guided because of the heart you have. you will be loved the way you deserve to be loved. take care for me. di na kita kayang bantayan. smile for me too, will you?

i had my dreams and i can no longer fullfill them. follow your stars for me. i want to watch over you, and see you with triumph and success. i want always the best for you.

Minahal ko kayo. tandaan ny0 nalang na once in your lives, andun ako. kahit inde maganda yung memory. ehe...

so long and goodnight.

...MOOD: cannot be distinguished at all.. __
...SENSE: chatting with jex =)...__
...MIND: i wanna pee...__

i'm writing this entry just so i could have an entry for this day.. ahaha... anyway, i'll be back in the philippine on january 9!!!! argh.. that means a whole lot, as in LOT of schoolwork.... gawd... can't even help thinking about it every minute i am here.. i wonder if the aquinian will be ready for publication on january 4.. i'm anxious about my english research paper because i have not done any research at all.. i have my economics assignment, 3 or 4 of them, i think, to be passed immediately the second i step a foot on the UST ground. i also have this defense thing on math on which i have not done anything yet. and to sum it all up, i have the worst catching up to do, missing 6 or so days of school...

isn't that sad?

i'm somewhat anxious with my grades this quarter... i missed a quiz in math and ec0, and im not really sure if mrs. mamaoag will let me do a make up quiz. and also this p.e. thing.. fuck her... she's so inconsiderate... i wanna tell her that p.e. is not my only subject and i am not like any other students who have all the time in the world. i admit i had been a bit irresponsible but it was just because i did not know which to do after which... i was really lost. a lot has happened too, you know. 

i am human too, you know.

DEATH... for me

...MOOD: missing people.. __
...SENSE: st0mach ache...__
...MIND: i want sleep__

it's christmas, fyi. haha. i dunno. ahehe... been bloghoppin a while ag0.. ella decided t0 st0p writing. rarr... s0me others refuse to update their bl0gs so nothing freaking new.. haha.. i, on the other hand, decided to continue working on my blog. writing is my eternal sanctuary :D...

i like to sing :D

hahaha.. totally no connection. i need sleep. i crave for sleep, but i don't want to sleep because it makes my week move twice as fast =( next thing i know, i'm back to school, cramming as always.. rarr.. that's not go0d at all. ahaha...

i miss my friends. i miss shim0i so damn much. =( i actually dreamt of her, and my cousins, and my shoes.. haha.. my dreams had been really crazy these past few days.. haha.. really, really crazy..

i miss my guitar =(

i'm currently watching king kong although i no longer understand anything. haha... you see my uselessness tonight? haha..

PEACE all. :D

SLUMBER...

...MOOD: indescribable, beyond human em0tions.. __
...SENSE: lip still burning__
...MIND: i want alcohol__

my life is twisted. everytime i want something, i always end up losing it without even having it. eventually, i'll lose myself as well. *rrrr* i wanna be happy, and my happiness rests on having the things i want, things i really, badly need. as what has been said, i do not get what i want.

i'm never happy.

my christmas is always cold. at least now, it literally is, only colder. i wanna cry, but i don't wanna cry anymore. i wanna scream, but i wanna keep silent. i wanna live, but my life seems to be pushing me more and more to the edge of sanity. *argh*

HATE...

...MOOD: tired __
...SENSE: lip burning__
...MIND: headache__

this is the new me. ehe.. i met new koreans today. they're soooo cool. although i was practically drained out, everything was uber fun. i rode on this freaking thing and it almost made me puke my brains out. ewww :D i'm in china, actually. right now, my upper lip is burning, blistering... it f*cking hurts... this morning, i even tripped and had my left hand swollen until now... any more unfortunate events? *sigh*

something's totally bugging me right now. i like 2 people who most probably would not like me back. i dreamt of them, both of them on separate nights.. the first one, i dreamt of her texting me and telling me something like, "it's me who'll choose, not anyone else." the next night, i dreamt of the other one and in my dream, i was holding her hand and we both liked it very much.lol... anyway.. that's it.. at least both of you are keeping me alive.

i like my new blog. =)